Stuck

The sun beams through the cracks of the curtain. Morning came by and Carla is wide awake. She sat in bed, her sight floats through the somber ambience. The light shines through further, creating a gaping hole now. The dust is now noticeable to the naked eye. She tilts her head to her left. A fluffed pillow on the side on a king sized bed. The bedsheet, untouched and the comforter, laid still in perfect uniform. Her mind wanders and the clock ticks louder — as if a bell was rung but she still sat in silence. Then, the door hinged open.

Andrew walks in from the bathroom. His hair is wet but Carla smiled.

“Look who’s finally awake. Get out of bed, breakfast is ready.”

Carla stood up and walked over to her husband. She widens her arms but Andrew hesitates playfully. He just got out of the shower after all. Carla grabbed the towel by the dressing table and took what was the longest shower a person could take.

She got dressed and proceeded to the dining table. Max and Elisha are fighting over who gets the last cup of yogurt. Max is a shy little boy unlike his sister, so he gave in. Elisha was more unruly in behavior but she wants to be treated like a princess. Carla pointed sternly at Elisha not to treat her brother like that but before she could go off on another lecture, Andrew came in.

“Honey, it’s okay, it’s nothing.”

“I know that but Elisha, you have to watch out for your brother, okay? You’re 9, he’s 7. He’s only little and this is his first day of school.”

Elisha wasn’t listening. Her mind was too caught up with the puzzle behind the cereal box. Carla could only afford a disappointed half-smile. The family had their breakfast. The kids were excited and Carla, especially was excited for them too but she was also nervous to say the least. It will be the first time that she’s spending an entire day without Max. Shortly after, Andrew left for work and the kids hopped on the backseat of the family’s Toyota Camry. Carla drove them to Signal Hill’s private school for orientation.

It was almost 8 in the morning and traffic was terrible. The streets were filled with vehicles. Carla was a little jumpy because the kids are finally going to school and the news last week had a lingering touch on her. Her mind was running on a loop. It was about a family who got into a car crash. Ironically, the mother survived but the kids did not. Carla knew that if anything were to happen to her children, she would have gone crazy. How could the parents ever be so careless, she thought to herself.

“I’m sorry, ma’am but those names aren’t in our system.”

“Please, check again. My husband paid for the enrolment fees. I’m sure their names are there.

“No, ma’am. Sorry again. But if you’d like, we can enter their names and they can… come tomorrow. It’s still orientation anyway.”

“Yes, please do.”

Carla was confused but paid the enrolment fees nonetheless. She was outraged that her kids had to miss the first day of orientation. She reckons that there has been a mix up. Maybe Andrew had forgotten to register them earlier on. She calls him to clarify on this matter. Andrew tries to calm her down and explain that he wasn’t supposed to enroll them. He tried to speak further but Carla wasn’t having it. She hung up and clutched both Max’s and Elisha’s hands. Disappointed with her husband’s lack of concern, Carla took the kids home.

“Men. Couldn’t even be bothered even if the world ends.”

How could she have forgotten to enroll her own kids? She thought to herself. Carla is a meticulous woman. She jots down everything in her journal. She knew she had enrolled them. It was the school that inadvertently forgot to include their names in. Or Andrew. Nonetheless, tomorrow would be better. One day of orientation wouldn’t affect her kids, right?

The day passed on and the sun started to set. Carla waited for Andrew to get home while the kids watched some Nickelodeon. While waiting, Carla prepared dinner. It was steak night.

Carla sets the dining table. Four plates, a pair of fork and knife each (plastic ones for the kids) then four cups of orange juice, all laid out on the dining table at each side. She then sets out to prepare the steak. “Warm meat and frequent flips” as her mother used to say, so she did. She pats the steak using paper towels to get a perfect sear and to reduce the oil spatter. She then liberally seasons the steak with salt and pepper then sears the steak 4 minutes on each sides. She added the butter with quartered garlic cloves and rosemary sprigs unto the pan and tilts the pan to spoon the butter over the steaks.

All that is left to do is let the steak rest for 10 minutes before slicing them against the grain. The front door cracks open and Andrew enters the house. He was tired from work but did not want to show it to his wife. He entered the dining room. His heart fills with warmth seeing dinner is ready, as Carla called the kids. They sat down and said grace. As they were having dinner, Carla noticed that Max hardly touched his food.

“Maxie, What’s wrong? You gotta eat something.”

“I’m not hungry, mommy.”

Carla was a little annoyed that Max doesn’t want to eat. She sternly insisted that he does or there will be no Nickelodeon for a week. Max threw a tantrum and walked away. Elisha wasn’t eating too. As unruly as she is, she is very protective over Max. She doesn’t like it when Max gets an earful.

“I don’t know how you do this, Andrew. How they seem to cling on to you more.”

“…who’s “they”?”

“The kids! Maxie and Eli.”

Andrew was stunned. He had a concerned look written all over his face. There was an uneasy feeling floating in the room.

“Honey… Max and Eli aren’t here.”

“Yea, I know. They’re probably in the playroom right no — ’’

“No, Carla. Listen. They aren’t with us anymore. They’re gone.”

Carla was furious. How could Andrew say such a thing? These are her kids! Her jewels, the sun and moon of her life. Why would Andrew make such a sick joke. Uneasiness turned into worry. Andrew then tried to calm her down.

“Carla, honey. Please, did you skip your medicine today?”

Confused, Carla looked at Andrew thinking that this man must think she’s crazy. She had never in her life seen Andrew react this way.

“You always do this when you skip your meds. You’ll prepare dinner like this for four, you’d make steak because Max loved it. But it’s been just the two of us for the past two years.”

“Andrew, please don’t star — ’’

“No, Carla. This has got to stop. They’re gone. Dead. They died in a car crash two years ago. In the car you were driving. You have to let them go. You have to forgive yourself.”

Like a film roll, her mind went on a reverse loop. The lady in Signal Hill told her to bring her kids back tomorrow because they weren’t there with her at the time. Their names did not appear on the registry because they weren’t there. Andrew did not register their names for enrollment because they’re not here. Max and Elisha weren’t eating because they’re not here.

The news that kept on playing in her head was the one she was in two years ago. Like a piece of gum that gets stuck at the sole of your shoe, it goes wherever you go. An irritating bit that follows you. No matter how many houses you’ve moved in, no matter how many new memories you’ve created, the gum is still there. It follows; and in that moment, of what seems to be a second, felt like forever. Because in that interval of a second, you’re stuck and your psychosis just does not allow you to face the inevitable, to face the fact that you were the architect of your own demise.

“You shouldn’t have been on the phone, Carla.”

“You should have paid more attention, Carla.”

“If you’d have cared, you would have been more aware, Carla.”

Voices that sounded so familiar turned out to be just her. It was all her. All in her head. Like a broken record, it kept on playing, over and over again; the needle keeps scratching on the vinyl record that is her consciousness; and just when you thought that the heart is fully healed, it finds new ways to break again and if you’re not careful, your subconscious will lead you to a self-destructive path and you’ll be stuck in that never ending loop, trying to relive each and every day as it was, a time before the clock stopped turning.

Carla took a step back in disbelief, she viewed the scenario in a third person’s view. Andrew was right. Max and Elisha were never there. Their steaks were never touched. The school books still had labels from 2019. She turned around, her eyes facing the living room, the television was on, but it was only static. There was no Nickelodeon, Andrew had unsubscribed to the Kids Channel package over a year ago. She was the one who turned on the television, she was the one who scattered the toys all over the living room.

It was all her. All in her head. A thinking pattern and rumination that does not serve her — but she cannot, will not ruin this made up utopian fantasy that lives in her head.

“Come play with us, mommy!”

“Sing us a song, mommy!”

“Daddy is trying to separate us again, Mommy…”

The voices got louder, it was overwhelming. She stumbled across the hallway. Andrew tries to stop her. She turns around with fear and rage in her eyes.

“Carla, honey, please. Just take your meds. Let me help you help yourself.”

“See how daddy tries to make you forget about us, mommy.”

“Why does daddy hate us, mommy?”

“… do you hate us, mommy?”

Never, Carla thought to herself. Finally, a voice that she never thought she’d hear, spoke.

“Get rid of him, Carla.”

A moment paused. Her pupils dilated, an indication that the light had dimmed. She glanced at the glass of water Andrew was holding for her. She then shakily reaches out for it. As Andrew gently hands her the pills, she smashed the glass on the counter-top and shoved it into his throat.

Andrew tries to stop the blood from gushing out, he holds his throat with whatever strength left in him. He was choking in his own blood. He stumbled back and fell to the floor. His body gave one last jerk, a sudden involuntary muscle movement. A sign that he is nearing the end of his life. His body finally gave out. It’s over, she whispers to herself.

Carla can now live with her kids forever, and now, her husband can join them.

That final voice, you ask? It was her own.

Gunthor x